India-US-Pak Triangle and My Umbrella

I was watching Shah Mehmood Qureshi, the over-the-top Foreign Minister of Pakistan at his theatrical best during the joint press conference with his US counterpart recently that the memories of my childhood’s multi-coloured umbrella came rushing in! I smiled, and soon started laughing! It was such a sweet memory, after all :)

I remember I had just started going to school. My parents gifted me a beautiful multi-coloured umbrella. And I instantly fell in love with it. My attachment became so ardent with that little piece of my initial few possessions that it almost became a part of me, my identity. And, if my mother did not bring that umbrella to the near-by bus stop, rain-or-no-rain, sun-or-no-sun, I would stubbornly refuse to walk back home. My obsession with my umbrella soon spread far and wide!

And my umbrella's story reached the ears of my self-styled competitor – yes, a trait so rare at that tender age! - in our immediate neighbourhood where lived a girl little elder to me. That girl had to have everything – yes, everything – which I had: be it dresses or toys or books or … yes, you guessed it right … an umbrella, too!

That girl created a huge fuss and pressured her parents in to buying almost a same umbrella for her! …

So, now you understand why I remembered my beautiful childhood umbrella watching Shah Mehmood Qureshi at his theatrical best in the US?

Well, while S. M. Qureshi’s attempts were quite hilarious and with his antics he had apparently succeeded in amusing Hillary Clinton – though only superficially - the Pakistani Foreign Minister was desperately trying to appease Madame Secretary for getting America to agree to an India-like civil nuclear deal for Pakistan too.

Now you see the connection between the India-US-Pakistan triangular relationship and my childhood umbrella?

In the not-so-easy geopolitical equations between India-US-Pakistan, Pakistan is that little spoilt girl from my neighbourhood who wanted everything that I had as a child, including an umbrella!

Well, on an adult-like serious note, I am sure that the Obama administration is not so naïve to give in to the obsessive demands of Pakistan, ranging from F-16s to military arsenals to monetary aids to civil nuclear deal; anyway, most of which are likely to be aimed against India in all probability. The US establishment understands all too well that Pakistan is a rogue state and is the epicenter of spread of terrorism in the world today. Howsoever crucial Pakistan’s role the US may deem to be in resolving the ever escalating Afghanistan conflict as an important component of its Af-Pak strategy for the crisis-ridden region, it will not let an almost failed nation get access to nuclear energy technology whose usage – abuse – it cannot guarantee for civil purposes exclusively. It would be akin to giving WMDs in hands of a Demon! Pakistan’s repeated proclaims of not being in control of its non-state actors – terrorists, extremists, fundamentalists – go absolutely against its own arguments to secure a favourable nuclear deal – India-like - from its otherwise old ally, the United States of America.

Therefore, India need not worry at all.

Nevertheless, at the end, I must thank Mr. Qureshi for taking me back on my memory lane and let me cherish in my thoughts my beautiful little multi-coloured umbrella!

(The umbrella is still secured at home – though now tattered and faded – along with few other valuables from my childhood.)

………………..

Watching Shah Mehmood Qureshi’s theatrics also reminded me of an age-old adage about “Politics Being the Theatre of the Absurd”! He for sure was an absurdist personified that afternoon!

MSY: Mulayam Seeti Yadav

I had just settled down to get my daily staple of Newshour on Times Now that Mulayam S. Yadav’s remark shook me in my sofa! He was referring to the recently cleared Women’s Reservation Bill in the Rajya Sabha. His words – in Hindi – were something like this:

“… Dekh lena, ab udyog-patiyon aur afsaron ki ladkiyan parliament mein ayengi, jinhen dekh kar ladke seeti bajaenge! …”

When translated into English:
“… Mark my words. Henceforth, you will see daughters of industrialists and bureaucrats come in the parliament, and watching whom men will whistle…” … So what if he is perennially surrounded by – and surviving because of - industrialists and bureaucrats, their daughters and daughter-in-laws included (Tina Ambani, Jaya Bachchan, et al.).

Can you believe it?!

I couldn’t for a moment. But then I did. Because, I understood. Thereafter, I did not feel any outrage or astonishment towards Mulayam S. Yadav’s otherwise outrageous outburst.

Just take a look at MSY’s background and you too will share my sentiments about the whole issue. MSY is an OBC. (OBC: “Other Backward Classes” got twisted by politicians like MSY to suit their aspirations to “Other Backward Castes”!).

Just recall that amongst the “factors” attributed for certain “castes” to be classified as an OBC – Yadavs included – their historic “backwardness” in all spheres of life was the primary one. Thus, one can simply understand how he would have been raised amongst poverty where meeting ones ends could have been of prime concern; education and cultured upbringing being purely incidental. Poor, MSY :(

Therefore, my fellow Indians, why should we feel offended by his crazy comment about women or women’s reservation bill, or on any subject of importance for that matter?

MSY echoed only what he is been reared to practice, and, preach! Imagine, MSY on his “trademark” bi-cycle, in his dhoti-kurta, roaming on streets, ogling at women and enjoying himself by whistling and making catcalls! …

Nevertheless, I have some tips for the women in the Parliament; I mean the women MPs (Sonia Gandhi, Meira Kumar, Brinda Karat, Sushma Swaraj, …). Next time the parliamentary session convenes, they all should show some “Gandhigiri”: they must present a “seeti” (whistle) to all male colleagues, MSY included, and welcome MSY with "seetis" (whistles) and make his feel “at home”! I am sure, their noble gesture will not be forgotten by MSY in this lifetime, and beyond too perhaps!

I bet, the first thing MSY will do post his encounter with the women-kind would be to rush – on his bi-cycle with a seeti between his lips - to file for two affidavits: one, to change his middle name from Singh to Seeti; two, to apply for change in his party’s symbol from bi-cycle to, again, Seeti !

So, everybody sing along:
“Hothon ko karke gol, seeti bajake bol! Mulayam Seeti Yadav, naam hai mera! Seeti bajana aurton pe, kaam hai mera! Mulayam Seeti Yadav …”

When translated into English:
“Make your lips round and whistle. Mulayam Whistle Yadav is my name; whistling at women is my work; Mulayam Whistle Yadav …”

God save India.

Behen Mayawati and Bee-tide Story

I don’t know from where to start.

I think I should start by thanking Timesnow, Newshour in particular, and especially Arnab Goswami for telling us this beezarrest-of-the beezarre story of “Bees-attack” on Behen M. Frankly, the entire script seemed to be a rip-off from some crazy Sci-Fi film!

Just spare a few moments to hear me narrate the story …

Day-1; Act-2

(Day-1; Act-1 is the “act” of garlanding Behen M with the costliest and the heaviest of the garlands ever made by humanity - of many thousands 1000-rupees notes – 5cr. or 50cr.? - nobody has been able to calculate the actual cost of it so far.)

The location is some ground in Lucknow; the occasion is celebration of 25 years of BSP’s existence; in and around are a couple of million people – all Dalits, perhaps – out there to hear their saviour and pride, Behen M. …

Behen M is busy reading out her speech in front of the poorest-of-the-poor Dalit brothers & sisters – non-manuwadis - and suddenly one – and all – hears the buzz of Bees! Thousands of them - as if in a “special appearance” in a comic-tragic film for aam aadmi - all out to attack Behen M! … It could be that those Bees had mistaken the scent of currency in the garland to be that of flowers! Kaagaz-ke-phool, after all, those notes were – devoid of any honey (RBI, please take note of it)! At least that’s the most plausible theory about the Bees' brazen behaviour that I can think of!

Nonchalanty, Behen M continues to read from her speech-page; the security commandos start to get uncomfortable; somebody takes off a nearby-lying table cloth but doesn’t know what to do with it, waiting for Madam’s commands – whether to wrap it around Behen M or …

A few moments pass and the Bees lose all interest in Behen M’s scripted speech and decide to fly away, ending their brief “cameo”. Or may be, they did not find the HQ – Honey Quotient – of Behen M palatable enough! And, Behen M is saved from the manuwadis-sponsored “Drone-attack”! …

Behen M “uninterrupted”: the story continues …

…..

Day 2: Act-2

Behen M orders a DIG-level probe into a suspected conspiratorial Bees-attack on her. …

The rest of the Media seem to be still abuzz with her Maha-Garland story (Dial M for Mala!) but this beezarrest-of-the beezarre story is aired primetime on the Newshour on Timesnow.

And this is how the nation comes to know of the plight of the poor DIG who is perhaps contemplating to quit his job and also leave his country forever. Because, he knows only too well that if he cannot corroborate Behen M’s conspiracy theory about the “Bees-attack”, he will have to contemplate suicide. … (My stretch of imagination but true nevertheless: it matches with the unedited version of the story which is meant for producer-director’s exclusive viewing only.)

Behen M apparently could not see janta’s-tide turning in her favour with the “Bee-Tide” around.

So, this is the “Bee-tide” story of Behen Mayawati. …

…..

By the way, do you know why only 1000 rupees notes were used for the garland? Because, their colour matches the colour of Behen M’s clothes – pink! S(h)ame – S(h)ame. …

…..

Now, while Timesnow – Newshour actually – is debating this beezarrest-of-the-beezarre case, and the anchor Arnab Goswami is fighting his Bee-tears with Suhel Seth on the unfolding of the most comic-tragic drama in the history of politics, and television reporting, I too find myself shedding honey-laced Bee-tears with both of them. At the same time, somewhere on the planet earth, Ripley’s Believe-it-or-not team is secretly viewing the entire episode of the fallout of the conspiratorial “Bees-attack” on Behen M to include in their next edition of collection.

Don’t believe it? Well, you will when Ripley’s next Limited Edition comes out soon.

Till then, all my dear Bees, All Izz Well that Ends in a Honey Well :)

IPL and Thali

"If America is a melting pot, then to me India is a thali – a collection of sumptuous dishes in different bowls. Each may not mix with the next, but they combine on your palate to produce a satisfying repast.” – wrote Shashi Tharoor in his “Nehru: The Invention of India”.

I remember watching the first match of IPL-1 and getting reminded of Shashi Tharoor’s most appropriate and contemporary expression of the “Idea” of India! And since then, whenever IPL is on, these beautiful lines keep playing in my mind.

You wonder why?

Because, Shashi Tharoor’s “Thali” quote can comprehensively communicate the “Idea” of IPL as well: the ‘idea’ itself (‘thali!’); players of different nationalities together in a team (‘a collection of sumptuous ‘dishes’ in different bowls!’); inter-players relationships (‘each may not mix with the next!’); and the enjoyment it provides (‘they combine to produce a satisfying repast!’).

Therefore, I simply extrapolate(d) these wonderful words to put across my - borrowed - “idea” of IPL:

“If cricket match(es) between countries “is a melting pot”, then to me, IPL is a “thali” – a “collection” of talented players from different countries. Each may not “mix” (sometimes) with the “other”, but they “combine” on the field to produce a satisfying enjoyment!”

Do I make sense? May be my attempt could sound a bit childlike but my adaptation conveys the meaning, nevertheless. I think so :)

Disclaimer: I have re-produced the “Thali” quote here without seeking re-permission from its author. I pray I do not get prosecuted for this transgression.

………………………

P.S.: I hear Navjot Singh Sidhu is back on television – Timesnow – and is making waves again with his special coverage of IPL-3! Alas, I cannot enjoy his Sidhuisms as the broadcast timing doesn’t suit me :(

Thanks, Schumi, for getting me back-on-track!

I vividly remember the last race of the 2006 season in Brazil which was incidentally Michael Schumacher’s last race as well. A couple of races back he had already announced his retirement from Formula 1 to great disappointment – heartbreak, actually - of his millions of fans all around the world. A first podium finish at the Brazilian GP was crucial for him to win his 8^th Championship Title - and end his career like a champion, a status he lived and loved holding and defending! But this was not to happen as the situation which unfolded at Sao Paolo was highly improbable. He was required to finish first with Fernando Alonso ending up with no points absolutely at the race! Unfortunately, as the fate would have it, Schumi encountered an engine failure which forced him to start at P-10, followed by a tyre puncture which made it clear that he was not to end at the podium. Still, he battled hard with his trademark determination and managed 4^th position. Though his team mate Felipe Massa won the race and Fernando Alonso got crowned as the 2006 Champion, the season-ender was overshadowed by the gloom that the world was never to see the greatest of the car racers Michael Schumacher on a race track ever again. There was huge heaviness in every heart, mine included.

Michael Schumacher’s retirement ensured my staying away from my favourite sport as well. Formula 1 did not seem and feel the same anymore.

Three years passed since then and in those seasons I simply – sort of – dragged along watching F1 races, following my ritual of noting down the details and results in my Formula 1 diary. Ferrari - and Formula 1 - without Michael Schumacher looked devoid of all colours. But before the 2009 season ended, the world had the Good News: The King of Formula 1 Michael Schumacher was to race again!

Today, at the Bahrain GP, the season opener of 2010 F1 calendar, watching Schumi race in his new team Mercedes-Benz’s whites gave a bit of an unusual feeling – a mixture of ecstasy and a bit of agony. I was extremely happy to see him back on tracks but at the same time not seeing him in his “signature” red made the race a bit colourless. The only “red” connection he had was with his red helmet! … I know that soon I will get used to seeing him in his new team’s whitesJ

Though Schumi ended his first comeback race at 6^th position, watching Formula 1 seemed complete again! Just the feeling that amongst those 24 racers was racing my Hero along side gave a massive satisfaction and made the whole event worthwhile again, after three full years.

Now, I am waiting for Michael Schumacher to quickly get adjusted to the tracks and make podium his permanent place post races! That he will once again display his “winning instincts” and become the 2010 Race Champion, and defend his titles in many years to follow, I am 100% sure!

I just wrote this to say: Thanks Schumi, for getting me back-on-track!

Arnab Goswami: a Monk among Mughals in Media?

Arnab Goswami is a monk. That’s the feeling I get whenever I watch him present the Newshour on Timesnow. And I am sure my sentiment is shared by millions.

When the Times of India – expectedly – launched Timesnow with Arnab Goswami as its Editor-in-Chief and Vice President, honestly, I did not expect it to become the No.1 English news channel within a short span of two (three) years. Also, I did not expect Arnab Goswami to be regarded – and awarded - as the best news anchor so soon, beating the well established ones in the business! And my doubts were well founded, at least that is what I thought in those times.

Those were the times - in 2006, in India - when the English media in television was insurmountably dominated by big players like NDTV and the newly launched CNN-IBN. Prannoy Roy, Barkha Dutt and Rajdeep Sardesai were the undisputed favourites. Though Arnab Goswami enjoyed his “own” position at NDTV, still, for me to think that one day I would become his great admirer – like millions - was unthinkable, in those times.

But that changed soon after.

Going back to the launch of Timesnow days, what was surprising to me was the quiet manner in which it was done. There was no “usual” TOI-style fanfare; no Page-3 kind parties; no advertisement even in TOI! Even thereafter, TOI did not take any particular pains to popularize its channel. Moreover, to my further surprise, the format of the news channel was quite serious in comparison to the “populist-like” approach adopted by TOI – especially for its Delhi Times. Frankly, I simply couldn’t understand the “strategy” behind this “hush-hush” kind of affair. Imagine, the No.1 national daily was introducing its news channel and there was no “news”! It was quite perplexing to me.

But not anymore.

Because, today – perhaps - I understand the “reason” behind the “positioning” of Timesnow, and the Newshour in particular. And, the “reason” is none other than its Editor-in-Chief and Vice President Arnab Goswami.

Here, I am attempting to de-construct - understand - Arnab Goswami.
(You will understand only if you have watched him host the Newshour.)

You do not often come across a news channel chief not having airs around him; you do not often watch a news channel chief not acting powerful and an influencer; you do not often see a news channel chief not exploiting his privileged position; you do not often witness a news channel chief be reticent and shy of networking; you do not regularly hear about the editor-in-chief of TOI’s news channel not willing to be a part of the circus that is so fashionable in today’s times in electronics format: instituting Media awards – say, Timesnow Year Awards! (I wonder if he attends the annual mad bash of Bombay Times!) … . Well, I can go on and on.

In three years of its existence, the most forceful factor that has emerged strongly as the prime cause for Timesnow success is Arnab Goswami. He is not only an anchor par excellence but a remarkably able – and modest - debate moderator as well! His deliberations are genuine and sincere besides being insightful and interesting. He exudes warmth and ease around him though he is straightforward to the point of having it as his trademark style. Hearing him present news and debate them in depth makes one feel a part of Newshour discussions – as if he is sitting with viewers – every viewer - in living room, and discussing as a friend. What is admirable about Arnab is his assertiveness devoid of any apparent aggression, displaying his intense character. He respects his guests – and audience alike – and the same get reflected to him. And, I truly believe that he is going to remain like this forever: deeply rooted.

Now, tell me, what would you call a person as privileged in position as Arnab Goswami but comfortably unaffected – and detached - by his advantaged status, not falling for fame or famous or a Ferrari?

A monk! What else?!

And that is the reason I call Arnab Goswami a Monk - among Mughals in Media!